To be or not to be...
So, a friend asked me a very poignant question during some mutually-enjoyed downtime the other night. We were discussing our (and other people's) criteria for choosing a mate and he said that THIS was the question I needed to consider:
Am I living up to the expectations and standards to which I hold my potential suitors?
(Okay, he didn't really use the word "suitors", but you know what I mean.)
And the answer to that oh-so-convicting question is "In some ways...and only on good days." Argh.
posted by Lorie @ 3:51 PM
16 Comments:
It is true isn't it...we often expect more out of others, in this case (the one we want to be our mate) when we ourselves fail to sacrificially live up to the same standard we expect out of the one we want to pursue. Hypocrisy, I presume is that dreaded sin which we need the power of the Holy Spirit to rid from us all. Lori, practice being a sacrificial friend even to your female friends, and then you will be better prepared to do the same for Mr. Right--whomever he might be:)
I strongly agree with LVG on this one. I think that is part of what I am striving for so that I become much towards that same person. Then I may feel I have more vlaidation for wanting one thats striving, or walking in faith, and set higher standards that of God and not of herself. But then Anonymous does have a good point, about living sacrificially towards one another. Then maybe we can understand what it is we seek in a mate and our own selves. Hmm this gives me plenty to ponder on now.
Yeah, and I'm thinking very basic and practical, too, like, I would expect the guy I want to be with to make wise decisions in his relationships with other females before he even meets me. So am I doing that? Am I keeping myself above reproach like I would expect him to?
I expect him to love his family in a way that shows how he values them. Am I doing that?
I expect him to be in accountability relationships with mature Christian men in which he is allowing them to call him out and walk alongside him as he learns to be more Christ-like. Am I cultivating those types of relationships with women in my life?
Stuff like that.
Woody Allen has a great line in "Annie Hall," where he's talking about being lonely and single, wanting someone, but at the same time being so aware of his shortcomings that he is distrustful of any girl who might be interested in him. He says, to draw an analogy, "I wouldn't want to belong to any club who would have me as a member."
I know whereof he speaks. I want someone who holds certain principles, yet anyone who holds those principles would ideally want someone who hadn't made my mistakes. It's a catch-22.
As far as asking myself that question daily, I'd have to admit that I often fall short of possessing the attributes that I look for. But I also need to realize that every girl, no matter great she is, and no matter how much she seems to possess those attributes, will often fall short as well. I heard a prayer poem at a wedding one time; one of the lines was "Lord, may they not expect to find, in each other, the perfection that only exists in You."
The key is to me tougher on yourself than you are on your others (which is not to say that you need to excuse sin, become an enabler of bad patterns, or wed yourself to someone who does not share your convictions and standards). It is human nature to do the opposite: to demand more from others than from ourselves. But this is not the pattern Christ set.
good points lawrence, anonymous, tom, and bobby. i find it easier to follow the expectations i have for myself more than the expectations i have for other people, especially when it comes to finding that 'singificant other' when it comes to trying to follow in my own life what i expect from other people, i realize i fall way short. but it's like what Jesus said, "First remove the log out of your own eye, then you can see clearly the speck in your brother's" i have before written out my expectations for what i want in a soulmate and though i didn't end up changing my list, i found i had actually failed at almost every one of the points in my own daily life. so now that i know what it is to try to meet those expectations,it is easier for me to expect effort, and not 100% successful results. just a thought.
eharmony baby...sign up and give it a try and let it rip tater chip
YEah for the last week everytimt I read that it settles in deeper and deeper.
One reason we hold our mate or potential mate, as well as others, to a higher standard than we hold ourselves, is pride. Actually, every sin comes down to pride eventually. After all, we deserve the best. Right? And as far as the beam in our own eye, well, that can be explained away, right?
Beth Moore says Christians have to watch out for pride more than others do -- it is what Satan is all about, so obviously he attacks us with it from all angles.
She says, "I once spoke on pride only to have someone remark afterward that she had far too little self-esteem to have pride. Pride is NOT the opposite of low self-esteem. Pride is the opposite of humility. We can have a serious pride problem that masquerades as low self-esteem. Pride is self-absorption whether we're absorbed with how miserable we are or how wonderful we are ... if we're not deliberately taking measures to combat pride, it's probably doing something to combat humility."
She wrote a poem that speaks of what pride robs us of -- I believe it applies to every gift and blessing, including our human relationships:
"My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
I cheat you of your God-given destiny ... because you demand your own way.
I cheat you of contentment ... because you 'deserve better than this.'
I cheat you of knowledge ... because you already know it all.
I cheat you of healing ... because you're too full of me to forgive.
I cheat you of holiness ... because you refuse to admit when you're wrong.
I cheat you of vision ... because you'd rather look in the mirror than out the window.
I cheat you of genuine friendship ... because nobody's going to know the real you.
I cheat you of love ... because real romance demands sacrifice.
I cheat you of the greatness of heaven ... because you refuse to wash another's feet on earth.
I cheat you of God's glory ... because I convince you to seek your own.
My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
You like me because you think I'm always looking out for you. Untrue.
I'm looking out to make a fool of you.
God has so much for you, I admit, but don't worry ...
If you stick with me
You'll never know.
Lawrence, the only way for us to know the character of a person is through their external actions, since we cannot see the heart of man. "A good tree bears good fruit..."---that's how you know it's good. Good intentions/motivations are great, but they are worthless if they're not played out in correct actions. I believe that's the scriptural concept as well.
The key for me is being the kind of woman that the kind of man I want would be looking for. I can have my list (and I have since I was 12, when my dad made me write it) and revise it to make it more realistic and mature (which I have several times) but if, in the end, I am not living like and working to become the kind of woman my "ideal" man would be looking for, then I'm not going to find him. Well, you know what I mean...
Now, don't mistake me. I don't believe that marriage is a reward for the ready. Not by any means. Nor do I believe that I have to achieve some kind of status or level of maturity or spirituality before God will "bless" me with a mate. But I do think that I'm being counter-productive when I'm just doing my thing and living for me when I'm wanting to share my life with someone else.
Lorie I have never agrred with you more than your last two sentences. The counter-productive. I know I am in many ways and then getting lost in focused on the wrong things.
In fact I think a part of it is coming out of my shell and acting the person I want to become. ANd cultivating that into every realtionship and dump this single mentatlity that I have. Keep god in the focus, let his will be not mine.
now this does remind me of a quote I read in Sidney Potiers auto-biography from one of his friends....
This is the rated pg version of that quote. It may have been said for a differnt time but it still can aply and even towards God if ya stop and thing about it.
"Time for that stuff to stop. We're going to have to decide for ourselves what we are and what we're not. Create our own image of ourselves. And nurture is and feed it till it can stand on its own"
We may see ourselves as married, but are we feeding or nurturing that image? Even in christ are we feeding that image or self?
So does anyone want to name any of the traits that they lack or do not fully possess, even though they demand it in a mate?
I have a hard time with sarcasm, or "damning with faint praise." Like, for whatever reason it's hard for me to give a compliment and leave it at that. I have to take a little swipe at the end -- something humorous, but still ....
That kind of thing bugs me in others. I feel like saying, "Can't you say something nice about me," or "Do you have to poke fun all the time," and yet, I fall into the same pattern.
I get frustrated with a lack of discipline in others but struggle mightily with that myself.
One bone I've had to pick with former boyfriends, too, has been a lack of consistency (in terms of character). I am the QUEEN of lack of consistency!
Or, rather, the Queen of Inconsistency. :)
i think inconsistency is just the nature of our flesh. the only thing that we as humans are consistent of is being inconsistent. being a christian brings us also to spiritual bipolarism, where daily we have the Spirit and our flesh battling each other, making it even harder to live consistently day to day.
any traits i expect but break myself i choose to keep to myself. those stay between me and those brothers who are really high up in my personal heirarchy.
I agree it is in our nature to be inconsistent. But we should still strive for perfection. Jesus is our example. Can we measure up to Him? No, but we strive to.
And I too am more readily aware of inconsistency in others than in myself.
It is certainly dangerous to look at a person's external actions or resume and base things off that. I knew a girl who married the darling of her church. All the old ladies loved this man, all the men thought he was an "up-and-comer." He definitely had that choir-boy persona down pat.
Within a year he was sleeping with a coworker and being cruel to his wife.
A couple more women and an attempted suicide later, and he ran off to Arizona. Divorce followed.
This is where discernment plays a part. True, only God can see the heart, but we are his children and, if we ask, He will give us His wisdom.
This is not to say we can become mind readers through Christ, though. And certainly it is important to look at a person's actions. We just have to be careful. Life is tricky, and we can't reduce it to a mathematical formula for success.
Post a Comment
<< Home